Dope medleys, that is what I hearing today. So irritated having the whole family home. A wild zoo. Walked to bank today, to walk through the drive-through. Weird yes. Paying daycare for two more weeks. Then God willing if we actually have a school year, we will changes.
I like to think I think of others first, but not the man I live with. Maybe not, but he acts that way many days. Very negative. “How are you doing?”, “How was your day?”….nope just whats for dinner? So my 24 minute walk was somewhat calming. But came back to the house that is so disorganized, but I am crazy when I ask anyone to help clean. I’m the fun police. How about some help? It would be nice. Dreams….
Back to the laundry.
Today for lunch I had beans and rice. Just that smell of Sofrito in my mind, makes me smile. Many years of great cooking from many people in my life. I am brought back to Panama where as kids we played all over. Meanwhile in the kitchen, that smell of onions, garlic and oil is simmered into my brain. Today I added ham and bean soup to yellow rice and the smell was so comforting. I hope my kids have many memories from the smells and love from their family and friends.
There was also the smell of the bug spray truck that ran through our neighborhood on the Air Force base. Or the smell of BBQ, lechon and chicken on the grill. We ate so good as kids. I am so thankful that my kids and husband are not picky and that they are willing to try new food.
Have another great day! Week five of E learning and E teaching!
I felt for many months I have fallen away from my faith and maybe these difficult times have been what many needed including me. It is giving me time with my family and time to think to myself. Even though I miss my students, I am still in touch with them.
There is so much happening in the world. I have lived in third world countries when my Dad was in the Air Force and know how great I have it here. The poverty and how some living in this poverty live each day like it was there last day. I know this most likely not the end of times but being with my family and connected to God everyday is what I can do.
There are things that make me cringe, like that yucky living room and the basement! But you know it doesn’t matter, cleaning can wait. Writing this out is one way to help calm my brain and heart.
This picture below has some importance to me. I was given this and a bible from my Grandmothers house after she passed away in Colorado Springs almost 7 years ago. This framed pic, was backed with framing paper and I could hear something sliding around. So I peeled it back. It was a note from my Grandmother from the late 50’s. It was her prayer for her family and husband who was gone working. Needless to say I saw the same hand writing that I saw in her sweet letters and cards she used to write me. A sweet but tough lady. A lady I will never forget, who made my Mom tough too. All these reminders of how I am loved by God and others.
I hear the birds chirping and see some buds on the trees outside my window. I hear them, but they don’t hear me or ABBA playing on my radio. “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” Cool Hand Luke I believe. I at home on my computer trying to do E learning with my Spanish students. They are kind of trying and some are doing great. I read their messages and they read mine, but are we really communicating? When I was in the classroom I felt some students were bored and then with some I could have given them more work to do or harder work. Now it seems many aren’t even trying. I understand students are scared and some have no idea what is going on.
Downstairs in my own house I hear my two oldest daughters arguing over stupid things, all while my husband is down in the dungeon, the basement playing video games. Today we got our fence stuff for a new backyard fence for the two Weiner dogs. Now the wood and other fence junk sits in the garage out of the rain. Dogs still peeing on puppy pads by front door like there was still a couple feet of snow outside. The front yard with a makeshift dog yard looks pretty trashy, but hey we be living large!
Do I intervene downstairs? There is more estrogen in the house as always! I’m going to find a quilt and lay down on the couch and imagine myself on a beach lounge chair listening to the waves. In the sand next to me is a table with a Piña Colada waiting for the first sip. I am reading a book for pleasure and will enjoy it. When it gets too warm I will wade in the warm waters. Then come back and lay on my chair till the sun and wind dry me off. I would feel like Shirley Valentine in Greece, loving life. I love my life here with my kids, but a mini-vacation to some sun and a warm beach that in not in the Midwest would be wonderful. A mini escape from Quarantine and the Corona virus, like Tom Hanks and Wilson on the island. Rather than Wilson I would probably be chatting with God about life and love. Many of the best memories of life in my 43 years has been at the beach. I could use a little beach right now and a kleenex.
I love “Pride and Prejudice” and “The Sound of Music” and love the love in the movies and in Jane Austen’s books. Much like the “Young and the Restless” another fictional story I like, they can be very unrealistic. But they are a nice escape and something to dream about. Who doesn’t see the emotion when Captain Von Trapp stares with an intense look and then dances with Fraulein Maria? You can see it in his face and in her eyes. Then there is a foggy, misty morning when Elizabeth Bennett walks through fields to finally see Mr. Darcy while the sun comes up. Imagining this love is nice and maybe not a pipe dream.
Alas, I sit in my Thursday Casual half pajama day clothing while we attempt to negotiate E learning from the privacy of my kitchen table. Mini Daschund dogs bark in the background and “TigerKing” playing as well on Netflix. Endless loads of casual wear laundry are piling up in the basement. I’m listening to “Gentle on My Mind” performed by Allison Krause on my Noise Cancelling headphones. Who have I become?
A Mom, Wife, Teacher and who someone who feels depression most days and anxiety while I sleep at night and have a difficult going back to sleep. I think about the worst and possible things that could happen while we are under this whole Quarantine. I have horrible dreams about having a lost kid or running of flying, yep with my arms in the sky. I’m not ashamed to say I talk to a therapist and take one medicine to help myself. I lost my Dad over two years ago and I am constantly reminded of War from husband with PTSD. He feels forgotten, like many other vets who are killing themselves one every hour.
I miss the smell of incense during Mass and being to pray in Mass for my family and friends. Since then it’s just God and I having conversations about life and the best is yet to come. I can pray that better days are going to come. Like Job when it all goes down in flames, I will pray!
Keep praying and adios!
There is literally not enough time in the day to explain these last two years.
My Father passed March 3rd, 2018. It seems like yesterday when I received the call from my sister while we were in Milwaukee in a parking garage. I see his face now in pictures and can’t believe he is really gone. This picture was in Panama on Albrook US Air Force Base(1970’s), where he worked with IAFFA, because he spoke Spanish. I was born in Panama and now I remember the beauty of Panama, while missing all those days with mi Viejo!
Gracias por todo en mi vida. Sus consejos, sus abrazos, su risa y su sonrisa. Él vivió su vida con pasÍon y amor por todo.
Love you Dad!
Stepping into every day is so dark after the loss of my Dad. I can’t even call him about opening day of Baseball. Then during Easter the discussion of the non existence of hell put me into another mode of anger. The 5 hour drive to Iowa was a blast!
I’m teaching Spanish to 7-12th graders. I’m living a dream of mine, but having some support would be nice at home. All frustrating. I feel like I’m complaining. But it’s hurting and every day is a reminder.
I never thought at 41 I would be talking about the death of a parent.
Adios for now
So when it rains it sometimes floods. What should I expect when we don’t live too far from the great Mississippi River? So here we are… after buying this house looking for flood insurance. Buying a house is an exercise in patience and keeping your sanity.
What a complete mess this place was. With help we have cleaned it up. There are so many loose ends and things to do. The joy of owning your own home…feel the sarcasm?
Then throw in a part-time job that sometimes seems like a full-time job. Which requires my presence at most religious events at our Church. Not that there is anything wrong with this, but it keeps me busy. And on many days I find it hard to be Christian to my own family when it seems nothing gets done around here unless I ask, bribe or order them to help me. So my husband sets new ground rules on the fridge that will supposedly change everything, even when he travels for work! He even used the word “Favorable Actions”….I’m laughing now. I’m now the bad cop because I am the enforcer! Hey I have a bunch of police in my family…why not?
Throw in another wrench…memory loss. My ball and chain has been noticing some short-term memory loss from a possible brain injury from 2003. Yes, there have been tests and more tests on the brain and body. While having these tests other issues are coming to a head…all while working a full time job and working on his Masters Degree. I’ll give it to him, he’s a trooper. Ask someone who’s been in Combat in the infantry or Airborne if they have had any head injuries or if they have blacked out at any point and guess what the answer is? Hmmm…then we add now burn pits and burning all kinds of things possible, testing vacines, PTSD….could there a variety of things going on in a body?
But on the Easter Vigil he was baptized in the name of the Father, the son and holy spirit. Will this change his outlook on life? or Spirituality…the cats still in the bag, because he is a man of a few words. So instead here I am working my words as some sort of release to all things that pour in my life.
My sanity falls in the hands of my lord and savior. I know the best is yet to come. I will put one foot in front of another and know God is guiding me to do what I need to do.
Matthew 25:21New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and trustworthy slave; you have been trustworthy in a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.’
So this cold and dreary river has finally warmed up! Today for the huge garage sale days its supposed to be 67 degrees. It really is beautiful her year round. Spring has been amazing so far. Beautiful flowers I didn’t see when we got here last year in September.
Once a year everyone gets their stuff out and has a giant garage sale or rummage sale in the towns along the Mississippi River. I debated doing it myself. However I am not as prepared as I should be.
We are in the process of looking for a home to buy. So I think next year we will be in a great position to have one after looking through all our crap. Someones trash is another mans treasure. So who knows. I feel its not trash but mostly clothes that we have out grown or don’t wear on a daily basis.
The newest edition to our family has kept me so busy and so sleepy. Sleep deprivation is an understatement. I could fall asleep taking mortar rounds right now I believe. But now its the sound of the baby that wakes me every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. The first few weeks I was so cranky, but now my hormones have evened out more. I am not so crabby, but just a little cranky. Add to this my husband is traveling more and so I am once again doing this by myself. It has taken many evenings of prayer and moments of saying “Serenity now” to make it through while watching him sleep (When he is here) since he has this full time “Job”. As if this job of mine isn’t a real job. I really feel this way sometimes and not appreciated. Is this the hormones speaking? Even if I had another full time job again, I would still be performing the same tasks and working 40 hours. It doesn’t change. When someone does say “Hey you are doing a great job” its because through tears I mentioned I don’t feel appreciated. So I don’t take it as appreciation when I mentioned it in the first place. Its like receiving flowers from someone after you tell them”You don’t send me flowers anymore….”Sing it Barbara!” Then they send you flowers…I digress.
Where is the optimism? Its a must to continue to look forward to what is to come. This is what keeps me sane. I know God promises us hope, so in this I find comfort. However this sleep deprivation leads me to weird, laughable conversations in the middle of the night when I am wearing mismatched clothes, not PJ’s but what ever doesn’t have spit up or peanut butter from someone’s lunch on it. These conversations usually start serious but end up wacky and funny when we try not to laugh because we can’t wake a baby who finally fell asleep after so much gas! Bowel movements are our subject matter on most days. Who have I become? Mother’s Day is coming up and every year my husband says “You aren’t my mother”…yeah that’s right, but I sure pick up after you a lot. So I don’t expect anything special gifts, probably just more dishes and dirty laundry. Happy Mother’s Day to all and to the Men who do fill in for mothers who are not around for whatever reason. To all the Mother’s laughing through tears..I feel you! “The best is yet to come!”