Time in the day for Dad/él viejo

4There is literally not enough time in the day to explain these last two years.

My Father passed March 3rd, 2018.  It seems like yesterday when I received the call from my sister while we were in Milwaukee in a parking garage.  I see his face now in pictures and can’t believe he is really gone.  This picture was in Panama on Albrook US Air Force Base(1970’s), where he worked with IAFFA, because he spoke Spanish.  I was born in Panama and now I remember the beauty of Panama, while missing all those days with mi Viejo!

Gracias por todo en mi vida.  Sus consejos, sus abrazos, su risa y su sonrisa. Él vivió su vida con pasÍon y amor por todo.

Love you Dad!

 

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Death and Spanish

Stepping into every day is so dark after the loss of my Dad. I can’t even call him about opening day of Baseball. Then during Easter the discussion of the non existence of hell put me into another mode of anger. The 5 hour drive to Iowa was a blast!

I’m teaching Spanish to 7-12th graders. I’m living a dream of mine, but having some support would be nice at home. All frustrating. I feel like I’m complaining. But it’s hurting and every day is a reminder.

I never thought at 41 I would be talking about the death of a parent.

Adios for now

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Flood alerts and home ownership and PTSD

FloodAlert

So when it rains it sometimes floods.  What should I expect when we don’t live  too far from the great Mississippi River? So here we are… after buying this house looking for flood insurance.  Buying a house is an exercise in patience and keeping your sanity.

What a complete mess this place was.  With help we have cleaned it up.  There are so many loose ends and things to do.  The joy of owning your own home…feel the sarcasm?

Then throw in a part-time job that sometimes seems like a full-time job.  Which requires my presence at most religious events at our Church.  Not that there is anything wrong with this, but it keeps me busy.  And on many days I find it hard to be Christian to my own family when it seems nothing gets done around here unless I ask, bribe or order them to help me. So my husband sets new ground rules on the fridge that will supposedly change everything, even when he travels for work!  He even used the word “Favorable Actions”….I’m laughing now. I’m now the bad cop because I am the enforcer!  Hey I have a bunch of police in my family…why not?

Throw in another wrench…memory loss.  My ball and chain has been noticing some short-term memory loss from a possible brain injury from 2003.  Yes, there have been tests and more tests on the brain and body.  While having these tests other issues are coming to a head…all while working a full time job and working on his Masters Degree.  I’ll give it to him, he’s a trooper. Ask someone who’s been in Combat in the infantry or Airborne if they have had any head injuries or if they have blacked out at any point and guess what the answer is? Hmmm…then we add now burn pits and burning all kinds of things possible, testing vacines, PTSD….could there a variety of things going on in a body?

But on the Easter Vigil he was baptized in the name of the Father, the son and holy spirit.  Will this change his outlook on life? or Spirituality…the cats still in the bag, because he is a man of a few words.  So instead here I am working my words as some sort of release to all things that pour in my life.

My sanity falls in the hands of my lord and savior.  I know the best is yet to come.  I will put one foot in front of another and know God is guiding me to do what I need to do.

-Adios

Matthew 25:21New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)

21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and trustworthy slave; you have been trustworthy in a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.’

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Battle lines

This is a family does and thanks to those hard working mothers like this one!

My Blanken World

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*Sigh*  I know, I know it’s been a while; to be honest, I’ve been too exhausted to do much of anything as of late.  When I left you last, I had just been hired to work for a grocery chain (to remain unnamed, but they are pretty awesome) in the natural department – right up my alley!  Between the wonky schedule (I work 2 am – 10 am’sh some days, and others 4 pm – 10 pm’sh… but it’s a job, so I don’t complain) and sometimes long hours – this schedule is not conducive to good sleep, or creating an over abundance of extra energy.  Along with continuing renovations, homeschooling, a few more sewing projects and time at the clinic, there is little down time.  But, they work around our school schedule (thank you boss man!), and it’s only temporary until we get the last of the repair bills…

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Spring time, sleep deprivation and Mother’s Day

IMG_1815So this cold and dreary river has finally warmed up!  Today for the huge garage sale days its supposed to be 67 degrees.  It really is beautiful her year round.  Spring has been amazing so far.  Beautiful flowers I didn’t see when we got here last year in September.
Once a year everyone gets their stuff out and has a giant garage sale or rummage sale in the towns along the Mississippi River.  I debated doing it myself. However I am not as prepared as I should be.
We are in the process of looking for a home to buy.  So I think next year we will be in a great position to have one after looking through all our crap.  Someones trash is another mans treasure.  So who knows. I feel its not trash but mostly clothes that we have out grown or don’t wear on a daily basis.

The newest edition to our family has kept me so busy and so sleepy.  Sleep deprivation is an understatement.  I could fall asleep taking mortar rounds right now I believe. But now its the sound of the baby that wakes me every 2 1/2 to 3 hours.  The first few weeks I was so cranky, but now my hormones have evened out more.  I am not so crabby, but just a little cranky. Add to this my husband is traveling more and so I am once again doing this by myself.  It has taken many evenings of prayer and moments of saying “Serenity now” to make it through while watching him sleep (When he is here) since he has this full time “Job”. As if this job of mine isn’t a real job.  I really feel this way sometimes and not appreciated.  Is this the hormones speaking? Even if I had another full time job again, I would still be performing the same tasks and working 40 hours. It doesn’t change.  When someone does say “Hey you are doing a great job” its because through tears I mentioned I don’t feel appreciated.  So I don’t take it as appreciation when I mentioned it in the first place.  Its like receiving flowers from someone after you tell them”You don’t send me flowers anymore….”Sing it Barbara!” Then they send you flowers…I digress.

Where is the optimism?  Its a must to continue to look forward to what is to come.  This is what keeps me sane.  I know God promises us hope, so in this I find comfort.  However this sleep deprivation leads me to weird, laughable conversations in the middle of the night when I am wearing mismatched clothes, not PJ’s but what ever doesn’t have spit up or peanut butter from someone’s lunch on it. These conversations usually start serious but end up wacky and funny when we try not to laugh because we can’t wake a baby who finally fell asleep after so much gas! Bowel movements are our subject matter on most days.  Who have I become?  Mother’s Day is coming up and every year my husband says “You aren’t my mother”…yeah that’s right, but I sure pick up after you a lot.  So I don’t expect anything special gifts, probably just more dishes and dirty laundry. Happy Mother’s Day to all and to the Men who do fill in for mothers who are not around for whatever reason.  To all the Mother’s laughing through tears..I feel you!  “The best is yet to come!”

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Old men and tough times…

Yep, there is work to be done.  The craziness ensues around here.  Just last Monday we had 4 inches of snow and today in the 60’s.  Mother Nature sure is confused as well as the people of Wis…

Source: Old men and tough times…

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Old men and tough times…

workingpic

Yep, there is work to be done.  The craziness ensues around here.  Just last Monday we had 4 inches of snow and today in the 60’s.  Mother Nature sure is confused as well as the people of Wisconsin.  I apparently made it thru my first winter, mind you a very mild one. I keep getting reminded from elderly people tell me this is not like the 70’s!  No its not!

1 week till baby d-day.  I feel it may come early but the date is on and I can’t help feel like I need to do a million things, but actually I should just sleep like a hibernating bear and build up a storage of sleep.  But that’s not gonna happen, because I keep myself up at night making mental lists of stuff that should be done before another member of the family arrives. In due time she will arrive and I will once again learn to go with the flow.  I keep looking at little baby socks thinking “More laundry and I am ready for another kid to tell me they are looking for something,  or another person to come chat with me while using the bathroom!” We have two bathrooms but wherever I am, something follows me, whether a dog, hub or girls needing something from me.  But I guess one day I will miss their crazy questions, their silly fighting over weird things, their advice, and attitudes.

Yesterday all these thoughts seemed more profound when my Step-mother called to me that my Dad had been admitted into the hospital with chest pressure, and high blood pressure.  This is the man I remember in his fatigues (Shining his boots) or Class A’s, or getting up to jog in the mornings.  The Puerto Rican who drinks coffee with his leche. His sarcasm lives on thru me and I am not sure sometimes if my kids get it.  He is a tough old goat who will get thru this. He says on the phone “I am good” in his Bronx accent.”Don’t worry about me” he says.  Today he may get a stent, but we won’t know until the tests are done.  I find myself sharing sayings with my kids  and they laugh and look at me funny!  My abuelo lived to 97 in Puerto Rico still smoking cigars and drinking rum.  He got killed by a drunk driver in an accident at an intersection.  My other abuelo got killed as well by a drunk driver in El Paso Texas on his way from Christmas vacation and he died on the surgery table.  So yes God I got it “Don’t drink and drive!”  My abuelo Nicanor rolled and smoke un-filtered cigarettes and they both worked their asses off.  Luciano was a retired Puerto Rican Police Detective and Nicanor a Janitor and farmer back in the 50′ and 60’s.  What a bunch of tough men from a hard generation. In my opinion my Dad’s best advice is “To stand up for yourself and if ever offered a position to lead or to work hard, do it to your best ability!”

-Adios

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